The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
