Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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