I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
