I faked an abortion last night.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
