I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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