we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
