you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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