I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
