she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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