My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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