You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
