have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
