did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
