someone get that fucking seahorse.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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