So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
