why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
