How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
