Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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