Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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