Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
