dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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