I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Randomize
