Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
