Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
