I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
