Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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