Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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