Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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