The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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