Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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