Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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