so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
