If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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