I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
