I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
