My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You have to summon your inner elephant
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
