o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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