Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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