Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
