just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
