My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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