i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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