It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
