I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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