Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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