Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
