This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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