you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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