I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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