Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
