Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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